Emotionless
by Lone Warrior2
Summary: Have you ever felt the desolation of loneliness? Abandonment? Look into the eyes of Goten, in an Alternate Universe no one has ever thought of before, and little want to. (More POV's to come, partner with Mabby) Rated PG-13 for suicidal tendancies
1. Emotionless

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonball Z or GT or any of the characters in those series, and I don't own 'Good Charlotte' or their song Emotionless. I heard it and thought it would make a nice song fic to one of the characters in DBZ.  
  
Have you ever felt abandoned? Like no one cares, and you are alone to face the sheer emptiness of it all? Well, that is what I felt when I wrote this. I put my pain in Goten's situation. It was already set up. Neither of my parents actually left me, but the way they talk to me makes me feel like they don't care about my feelings. For this story we are going to imagine that GT never happened, this is an alternate universe about how Goten became a different person when he suddenly realized he no longer had a father. Enjoy the song fic and feel the pain of being Emotionless.  
  
Emotionless  
  
Goten was devastated after his father left. Goku went off to train Uub and it hit him very hard. Goten had started to change. He became rebellious and developed an attitude. One day, the boy was listening to the radio and heard the band 'Good Charlotte'. He decided he liked this band and bought their latest CD. As he was flipping through the songs one by one he came to number 13. Hearing this song had brought back forgotten memories and opened old wounds. He turned the cover over and looked at the back. The song was entitled, Emotionless.  
  
(A/N: Words to the song are symbolized with * asterisks and when someone talks it is indicated with "" quotation marks.)  
  
Goten's POV-  
  
*Hey dad,  
  
I'm writing to you.  
  
Not to tell you that I still hate you  
  
Just to ask you how you feel  
  
And how we fell apart  
  
How this fell apart.*  
  
I sit in the dark room with no light… thinking. Maybe I should write him and ask what's going on. I can't help but feel he doesn't want me anymore. I wonder what he would do if I just wrote him a letter telling him what I think.  
  
*Are you happy out there in this great wide world?  
  
Do you think about your sons?  
  
Do you miss your little girl?  
  
When you lay your head down, how do you sleep at night?  
  
Do you even wonder if we're all right?*  
  
What was he thinking when he left us? Does he even care I, or Gohan, or even Pan exist? He hardly even said "good-bye". I don't know how he can possibly sleep with that kind of guilt, or, does the guilt affect him at all?  
  
*But we're all right, we're all right  
  
It's been a long hard road without you by my side  
  
Why weren't you there on the nights that we cried?  
  
You broke my mother's heart you broke your children for life  
  
It's not OK but we're alright.*  
  
I guess I'm all right but only without him. I have had to provide for myself and my mother. She didn't take it well either. For many nights all she did was cry. I wept alongside with her a lot and so did Gohan, and Pan sometimes joined us.  
  
*I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes but those are just a long lost memory of mine.  
  
I spent so many years learning how to survive.  
  
Now I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive. *  
  
He was once an amazing man to me. He saved the universe at least three times, died twice and came back, and achieved super saiyan. He was the first one in a thousand years to reach super saiyan. Then he just… disappeared. He left us all to train one boy and acted as if he didn't care about leaving his life, his family,… me. I know it seems selfish, but I was only 17 when he left, still a child. Does he even know… or care… if I still live?  
  
*The days I spent so, cold so hungry, were full of hate.  
  
I was so angry.  
  
The scars run deep inside this tattooed body  
  
There's things I'll take to my grave.  
  
But I'm OK, I'm OK.*  
  
We became so poor that some nights we went without heat. Other nights we didn't have much food. However, much of the time I wasn't hungry for the items you put in your mouth for energy. I was hungry to see my father again. In fact, I was so not-hungry I didn't even try to fight the emptiness anymore. I just stopped eating sometimes. Can you imagine that? A saiyan not eating or even feeling the need for food.  
  
I have fought so many battles for Earth. I had to start fighting when I was only seven years old. They dragged me and Trunks into the fight because they thought we were their last hope. We fought against Brolly too. I never even saw my father until I was seven years old. And I had to be brought in to a fight that I didn't know anything about and forced to learn a new technique in just a few short days. I even saw my mom killed before my very eyes, something a child should never have to witness. Even though we could bring her back with the dragonballs, she still died in front of her child's eyes. Who wants to see that, no matter the circumstance?   
  
I have changed immensely since the last time he saw me. I have the same black shaggy hair as that time. I have discovered that I am very much a masochist. I find it very enjoyable to just take a knife and slide it right across the flesh and muscle, then taste the fresh blood from the open wound. Various places I have piercings, my ears, my tongue, my eyebrow the list goes on. My wardrobe consists of mostly black and a little red. I have become Gothic and accumulated many tattoos. I don't even know why I got the tattoos. Perhaps to try and cover up the internal scars that only I can see. It hardly worked.  
  
*It's been a long hard road without you by my side.  
  
Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried?  
  
You broke my mother's heart, you broke your children for life.  
  
It's not OK, but we're all right.  
  
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes.  
  
But those are just a long lost memory of mine.  
  
Now I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive, yeah I'm still alive.  
  
Sometimes I forgive.  
  
Yeah and this time, I'll admit,  
  
That I miss you, said I miss you.*  
  
I don't think I can forgive him for what he's done. Why can't the memories come back and be real again? I want those days back. I want my hero back, I want my dad back. "Alright, I'll admit it, I miss you." I say aloud. I can feel the hot tears welling up in my bloodshot eyes. "I miss you." I say again, softer, as the tears start falling in rivets down my pale skin.  
  
*It's been a long hard road without you by my side.   
  
Why weren't you there on the nights that we cried?   
  
You broke my mother's heart, you broke your children for life.  
  
It's not OK, but we're all right.   
  
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes but those are just a long lost memory of mine.  
  
Now I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive.  
  
And sometimes I forgive.  
  
Yeah, this time I'll admit,  
  
That I miss you.  
  
I miss you.  
  
Hey dad.*  
  
I grab a pen and paper and begin to write,   
  
Hey dad,… 


	2. Down In Flames

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonball Z or Trunks or Goten or any of its characters, for that matter.  
  
Mabby: Hewwo! ^-^; Yesh, this chapter was donated and written by meh, but that's not the point, the point is that after I beta-ed Lone's chapter, Emotionless, I was inspired to write a partner fic to support hers.   
  
In a way, it could be looked at as a sequel. *shrugs* But… I don't know. I hope you all enjoyed the first one, and will enjoy this one too, I decided to play with Trunks this time. I really have nothing against Trunks if you get the impression I'm trying to downsize him, I just wanted to look at him in a different perspective, so, if you're offended by this, don't even bother to flame, since I'll just… eat 'em! ….rawr.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I awoke groggily, pushing my annoying alarm clock off the nightstand. It landed with a dull thud on the carpet and-to my relief-promptly shut up.   
  
As I proceeded to pull on my shirt I noticed a new CD on my dresser. I sighed. Bulma had begun to purchase gifts for me on a daily basis to 'chase that distraught look from my face.' They only made me more miserable.  
  
I turned it over in examination. It was 'Three Doors Down: Away from the Sun.'   
  
Only slightly interested, I slipped it into the CD player.  
  
Later, I emerged from the bathroom and went to shut the player down when I froze. This song, track ten, had described me near perfectly.  
  
I was quick to shake my wonder at this discovery and headed downstairs, passing by a picture someone-obviously my mother-had framed and set out the previous night. I recognized it immediately.   
  
It was of Bulma and my father many years before. They were both smiling happily, a rare thing that only exists in pictures now.  
  
Usually it was my father smiling... no... correction, smirking while my mother screamed at him. That is, before he left. A tiny baby was cradled between them. A fringe of purple hair peeked from under his navy hat.  
  
*Don't tell me, what to think, 'cause I don't care, this time*  
  
I narrowed my eyes at it. I wished Bulma would burn all trace of my good-for-nothing father from our life. I had tried to myself but... my mother had erupted into tears.  
  
*Don't tell me what to believe, 'cause you won't be there to catch me when I fall...*  
  
I grasped the top of the frame and slammed it down on the desk, hearing the tinkle of glass from underneath it. I hardly cared. Why frame a picture of so little worth anyway?  
  
*Believe in me when I'm not there right on...*  
  
I found a note on the fridge;  
  
'Trunks,' it read, Took Bura to school. There's cereal in the cupboard. Go to school today. With love, Mom.'  
  
*Miss me when I'm gone, again. Hey yeah...*  
  
I snorted and snagged the cereal, shoving my whole hand into it. Like hell I was going to school.  
  
*I'm going down in flames, I'm falling into this, again. Yeah...*  
  
Munching absentmindedly, I ventured over in search of the remote control and found it directly next to the phone. I reached for the phone instead and dialed the first number that came to mind.  
  
I didn't know why I did it. Perhaps I longed for someone, anyone, to talk to. Or maybe i was just insane. Either one wouldn't surprise me.  
  
The person on the receiving end answered on the first ring, "Yeah?"  
  
It was Goten.  
  
*I'm going down in flames, I'm falling into this, again. Oh no...*  
  
"Hey, it's Trunks."  
  
"Hey." His voice was gruff, emotionless.  
  
"Could you... come over?"  
  
Silence, and then...  
  
"Give me five." He hung up.  
  
I replaced the phone, wondering why I just did that.  
  
*Don't tell me, how life is, 'cause I don't really wanna know*  
  
Five minutes passed in an eye blink, and the doorbell chimed as promised. I strode over and opened the door...and gawked at what was standing there.  
  
"Goten?"  
  
*Don't tell me how this game ends, 'cause we'll just see how it goes*  
  
He nodded and brushed past me, turning around once inside. Hi face was expectant.  
  
"Well?"  
  
My friend had gone Gothic. Sweet, innocent, Goten had gone Gothic.  
  
Surprisingly enough, all I could think about then was why I haven't.  
  
He was clad in all black and numerous tattoos peppered his arms and what I could see of his neck. His hair was again like it was before he had it cut. Piercings were everywhere. I could barely recognize his features because of them.  
  
"I don't know," I admitted.  
  
*Catch me when I fall...*  
  
He regarded me quietly.  
  
"You're not at school."  
  
"Neither are you."  
  
"Why?"  
  
The question took me off guard, "What?"  
  
"Why aren't you at school?"  
  
I frowned. He was beginning to sound like my mother with those words, but his tone was melancholy, distant. I began to regret inviting him.  
  
"There's no point to it."  
  
"Agreed."  
  
Silence.  
  
*Believe in me when I'm not there right on...*  
  
"Where's your father?" Goten asked, his voice suddenly bitter.   
  
"Why?"  
  
"I want to ask him something."  
  
"What?"   
  
"Something."  
  
"Oh, he's not here."  
  
"When will he get back?"  
  
"He won't."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"He hasn't for six years."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Silence again.  
  
*Miss me when I'm gone, again. Hey yeah...*  
  
"He abandoned you," Goten stated.  
  
I shrugged, "I don't care."  
  
His eyes suddenly flashed to my hands and I realized my sleeve had ridden up. I tried to conceal it behind my back but Goten was too fast. He held my hand in front of me, palm up, so my wrist was very visible. My horribly scarred wrist.  
  
"Yes you do."  
  
*I'm going down in flames, I'm falling into this, again. Yeah...*  
  
I wrenched my arm out of his vice-like grip, finding I was speechless beyond that. He was right.  
  
"Can you tell me?"  
  
"You won't understand."  
  
"Humor me."  
  
*I'm going down in flames, I'm falling into this, again. Oh no...*  
  
I studied him, looking for something, anything, to resembled mockery in his stature. I found none.  
  
"He hated your dad for going away to train that blasted Buu reincarnation. He didn't find it fair. He would lock himself up in the GR for days at a time. When he spoke to us it was only yelling or accusations of Bura and I being a disappointment. And then, one day, he left. Good riddance, that's what I said when I found out he was gone for good."  
  
"But you miss him."  
  
I had to close my eyes. Either in shame or because they began to water, I couldn't be sure. Maybe both. "Yes."  
  
*Now... all the way down here I'm falling...*  
  
"I miss my dad too."  
  
My eyes shot open in surprise.  
  
"You..."  
  
"That's probably the reason why I look like I do now. Ha, if my dad saw me now it'd be even the more reason for him to steer clear of our household. Life is stupid."  
  
*All the way...*  
  
He…"My dad would accuse me of being too weak for a saiyan of royal blood and blast me into dozens of little pieces."  
  
My voice wavered. I was only half-joking.  
  
"Probably."  
  
Silence, but this one was comfortable.  
  
"Goten?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Ditto."  
  
*…all the way down here I'm falling, now*  
  
It was so ironic. The only person who truly understood me was my best friend. It was right in front of me. How could I have not noticed?  
  
*Again…now…I'm falling down. I'm falling down. I'm falling down…*  
  
It reminded me of the saying, 'Ignorance is bliss.'  
  
*I'm going down in flames, I'm falling into this, again*  
  
You know what? It's not.  
  
*Now… all the way down here I'm falling… all the way…. all the way down here I'm falling, now*  
  
I looked up to meet Goten's eyes. They held an _expression now. Caring. The support of a friend. I don't know how I recognized it after so long, but I did.  
  
*Again… now… I'm falling down*  
  
And, to my greater amazement, after six long years, I smiled for the first time. 


	3. The Letter

The Letter  
  
Hey Dad,  
  
Dad, now there is a word I haven't used lately. Hmmm… Whose fault might that be? Stop, I know what you are thinking. You have no idea what I am talking about. I am merely telling the truth through out this letter.  
  
I don't know if you even care about me anymore. After awhile I myself stopped caring. How can you understand this? The man with the innocents of a child. I envy that innocents so terribly you cannot even imagine. My innocents was slain the moment I realized you weren't coming back.  
  
I know you want to put this down right now. What kind of nonsense is this? The kind of nonsense a father listens to. Just hear me out all right?  
  
I once thought you were amazing. I used to think you understood my feelings. I believed you loved me. I don't see these things possible anymore. How amazing can someone be if he abandons his family? How can you know how I feel if you knew what it did and still does to me? How is it possible for you to love me if you left me with nothing and no acknowledgement that you do? Prove me wrong if you can. I would be delighted if you could.  
  
Mom, Gohan, Pan, everyone; they are all affected by your leaving. Do you know how many nights my mother, your Chi-Chi, has cried over you? Gohan and Pan can barely take it. Do you care about them anymore? Your friends can't stand not having you around anymore either. Did you even consider any of these things?  
  
Where is the hero? Where is the one I looked up to? Does he exist anymore? Oh Hell for all you know I could have been dead. You would never have found out. Well I am alive, if this is what you call living. I have become gothic because of everything that has happened to me. I find comfort in only the pain and the darkness. Are you happy? Is that what you wanted for me? Does that make you happy?  
  
The next thing and last thing I have to say, you won't believe after everything you have read. I write this out of truth and pure curiosity. There is no emotion behind these words. My emotions died with my innocents. Rest assured, I don't hate you anymore. But I no longer love you. There is one more thing I am willing to admit…  
  
I miss you…  
  
Goten O o (water droplets, If you can't guess what from you truly are stupid…)  
  
O 


	4. Masquerade

Disclaimer: I/We don't own DBZ and never will.   
  
Mabby: The third/fourth installment to our merry little bunch of songfics. This time it's Goku's POV. The letter was written by Lone and still goes un-beta-ed, but that's alright. Hope you like. The song is Masquerade, from Across the Sky. The original meaning of it was that the hero in the song was fighting the temptations of the . I guess that it can be seen in that way here too.   
  
(The song portion of it is in ~'s)  
  
* * * * * * * * *  
  
Punches were exchanged and parried. Rocks and shrubbery were blown away by the force of the battle. Energy ricocheted onto the dirt ground below.  
  
~For so long. I've been, putting my effort into you. My heart, is bare, I've been looking everywhere for truth. You know, exactly what you're doing to me. But that's okay, 'cause I'm not playing anymore.~  
  
The taller, paler of the two caught a glimpse of the departing sun and broke off, waving at the other to halt as well. "Alright Uub, that's enough for today, we can continue this tomorrow." The dark-skinned teen nodded wearily, issuing a short wave and drifting away into the mountains.  
  
(A/N: I have no clue where he goes, so I just say Uub goes… away)  
  
~I see what you're trying to hide. Didn't take me long to realize. You can't fool me with your disguise. I can see right through your lying eyes.  
  
Think your shot pushed me around, you're never going to take me down. So get outta my face, with your masquerade.~  
  
I was getting ready to land when the steady hum of a motor caught my attention. Like anticipated, a large, loud vehicle erupted into view, skidding in the air once it reached me. The words, "West City Mail Service", were imprinted on the side.  
  
"Son Goku?" a grizzled, uniformed man stuck a head out of the door. He didn't seem the least bit bothered that I was drifting in midair. Odd.   
  
"Yes, that's me," I answered, accepting the latter that the old timer offered at his response. "Nice doing business with ya mister!" the mailman chirped, tipping his head. He stepped on the gas pedal and the navy aircar sped out of sight.  
  
I just shook my head. Folks just kept getting weirder and weirder.  
  
I then focused upon the letter in my hands. It held no return address, but it was clearly addressed to me.  
  
~Since I, moved on, things have been going every way but wrong. It's a brighter day, across the sky. New life, new friends, it's got me wondering where I've been.   
  
I was in a haze.  
  
I know, you're still bearing down on me. It's okay, 'cause I'm not running anymore.~  
  
As delicately as my saiyan strength would allow, I opened the envelope as not to harm it in the least, uncovering a messily-folded, crinkled letter. It looked as if it had been wadded up, unraveled, and smoothed out again many times over.  
  
At first glance I determined that the message was hastily scrawled upon the parchment. Many words, sentences, and even paragraph were scratched out and replaced several times, as if the sender could not decide on what to tell me.  
  
~I see what you're trying to hide. Didn't take me long to realize. You can't fool me with your disguise. I can see right through your lying eyes.  
  
Think your shot pushed me around, you're never going to take me down. So get outta my face, with your masquerade.~  
  
Reading the first two words, he started in surprise.  
  
'Hey Dad…'  
  
It was Goten's handwriting.   
  
* * * * * * *   
  
* * * * * * *   
  
Oh kami… what have I done?  
  
~When it all comes down… you won't have control… over me. You can shape it how you want… but you have been revealed.   
  
Think your shot pushed me around, you're never gonna take me down.~  
  
My fist closed abruptly, crumbling the already-damaged letter.  
  
  
  
Goten… I never even knew of his existence for the first seven years of his of his life… and now… this…  
  
I looked upon the bearer of realization, not noticing that my vision had begun to blur.   
  
My tears… if there had been any… were lost in the sudden downpour.   
  
I didn't know how long I hovered there. Hours… days… it was all the same.  
  
~I see what you're trying to hide. Didn't take me long to realize. You can't fool me with your disguise. I can see right through your lying eyes.  
  
Think your shot pushed me around, you're never going to take me down. So get outta my face, with your masquerade.~  
  
Rain pebbled my body, cascading down my arms in tiny rivets. My clothes hung from my figure, soggy… and heavy. My eyelids concealed saddened obsidian optics. The letter should be only a mass of vulnerable mush by now.  
  
I had saved the world more times imaginable. Rescued the lives of millions. It was horribly ironic that I could not save my own son. A cruel twist of fate.  
  
Like Vegeta had been accused of so many times before… I have been consumed by my own battle .  
  
I glanced out in the direction where Uub had left, and ignored the urge to follow his fading ki trail. Not this time… I had to see Goten.  
  
~Masquerade…~ 


End file.
